OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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