He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
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