The maid of honor just puked.
i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
Randomize
