dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
