i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
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