So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
Is it just me or does the sex still keep getting better? I wasn't crying, my eyes just watered from how hard I was cumming.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
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