did you get engaged???
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
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