Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
On another note I am sitting in my bed naked, buzzed, and working on a notecard for my 8:00am test tomorrow. I think I need to make better choices.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
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