Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
You had me at "let me see your balls"
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
Randomize
