totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
Randomize
