Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
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