soooo we both peed the bed last night...
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
