Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
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