he wasnt completely random
you're right. you met him once and didnt know his name. you still dont
i get things done.
Is it weird that I have contacts who i've classified as DO NOT ANSWER?
Lol no its called college
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
Randomize
