My sheets look like a crime scene.
i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
Randomize
