You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
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And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
Cute boy and deffffff wearing a HS shirt. I am getting too old to be inaccurate.
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
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I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
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