Small Doughy Asian men and sleeveless hoodies with nothing underneath do not mix well.
Sounds like the climatic scene of my favorite erotic novel.
:)
Wipe that smile off your face.
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
