Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
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