so last night was fun and all.. but you might want to get tested
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
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