i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
Randomize
