don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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