I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
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