oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
Randomize
