I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
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You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
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Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
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