remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
Dude i just saw JT leaving the hospital. He drove there to get fluids because he was too drunk, so they hooked him up to an IV so he didn't get alcohol poisoning. Did I mention he drove there? Oh yea and our roommates in the hospital with alcohol poisoning, she just puked up coal. So many ppl are here, it's like a hospital party, I love spring quarter!
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Randomize
