I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
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