I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
Hahahaha do you think bella ever gave edward head?
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
