Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
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