Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
