this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
