just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
