Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
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I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
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who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
help. there is a guy in a bunny costume.
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
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