just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
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