It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
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