and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
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