I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
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