I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
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