I will die if light touches me.
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
Small penises have feelings too.
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
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