It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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