Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
Randomize
