he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
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I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
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So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
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