she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
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