I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
Randomize
