Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
was it more than 30 minutes?
ya
then you're in a relationship
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
Randomize
