LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
