Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Randomize
