you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Randomize
