Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
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