I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
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Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
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I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
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