I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
Night out in new white coat = success. Offered free breast exams all night, two took me up on it, woke up with one. I love medical school!!!
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
