You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
Dicks are not precious.
Randomize
