I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Video on mandys page of you drinking upside down was finally put up...too bad all the comments were about me and him fighting in the background while he screamed "BLOW BIG BETSY!'
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