WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
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