Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
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