someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
Randomize
