My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
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She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
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I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
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