Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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