she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
Dave a horae rider a coqw boy
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
Randomize
